


When I am down (my soul, so weary)

by anthea_tesdinic



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Canon Compliant, Dean Winchester Talks About Feelings, Episode: s08e07 A Little Slice of Kevin, First Kiss, Fluff, Light Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, Season/Series 08
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-10
Updated: 2020-10-10
Packaged: 2021-03-08 05:01:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,349
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26930065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anthea_tesdinic/pseuds/anthea_tesdinic
Summary: «I wish you’d talked to me, Cas. You know that you can always talk to me. Right?» Dean searches his face, and Cas feels like he shrinks under that earnest gaze.«I know, Dean.» Cas isn’t sure what compels him to do it, but he grabs Dean’s right hand, letting their joined hands rest on Dean’s thigh.--Takes place right after A Little Slice of Kevin, basically jumping right in a little while after the events of the episode.
Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester
Kudos: 29





	When I am down (my soul, so weary)

**Author's Note:**

> I re-watched 8x07 and felt a burning need to continue the conversation that Cas and Dean are having at the end of the episode before being interrupted by Sam. These two just need to have a sit-down and talk about their feelings, dammit.

Later, back at the motel, Dean is taking a shower, while Sam has taken off to the gas station for supplies and some food. 

After toweling off and slipping on a worn t-shirt and loose Adidas pants, Dean steps out from the bathroom. He makes eye contact with Castiel, who sits at the table by the window, but quickly glances away. He sits down on one of the beds, his back to the angel. 

Dean is toweling at his wet hair when he feels a dip in the mattress to his right. He doesn’t look over immediately, but he stops his movements, hands falling into his lap.

After a moment, he hears Cas’ voice, softly, «Dean»

When Dean doesn’t respond, he continues, «I want to apologize. For what happened in Purgatory. I should have talked to you. Explained.»

Dean looks up at him, the towel falling down around his shoulders. Cas had thought he would be angry, but he just looks sad. It stings. «You thought it was your fault, when it was all mine. It is my fault you blamed yourself. I’m sorry I did that to you, Dean.»

Dean seems to gather his thoughts for a moment before he says, «I wish you’d talked to me, Cas. You know that you can always talk to me. Right?» Dean searches his face, and Cas feels like he shrinks under that earnest gaze.

«I know, Dean.» Cas isn’t sure what compels him to do it, but he grabs Dean’s right hand, letting their joined hands rest on Dean’s thigh. 

Dean starts for a second, looks down at their hands, but doesn’t pull away. His eyes are questioning when he looks back up at Cas, and the angel tries to answer him with as much certainty and comfort as he can muster in his own eyes. He thinks it must be working, because Dean turns his hand slowly, interlacing their fingers. 

«Cas, I—» Dean is stroking a thumb over Cas’ knuckles when they hear the lock in the door, and Sam steps into the room, arms loaded with paper bags.

The warmth of Dean’s hand disappears, and he stands up quickly, flustered, turning around to face the door. 

«Hey guys,» Sam says, «Some help—». He stills, looking between Dean, standing awkwardly, and Cas, still on the bed. «Uh,» he says, «Did I interrupt something?»

Perfectly in sync, Dean says «No» while Cas says «Yes». Dean gives the angel a betrayed look.

«Uh, okay,» Sam says, with the look of a man who can see clearly that something is going on, but doesn’t want to know. «Could you give me a hand, Dean?»

Dean, too enthusiastically, rushes over to his brother to help him with the groceries, and very decidedly does not look in Cas’ direction. Sam throws another suspicious look at them both, but doesn’t press further. 

«It’s late,» Cas says, and the brothers turn to him. «You guys will want to sleep soon. I will, uh, make myself scarce, and we’ll see each other tomorrow.»

«Wait, Cas—» Sam says, but then the angel is gone.

Dean turns back around without a word and starts unpacking the groceries. Some sandwiches, a couple microwaveable meals, bottled water, and beer.

«Seriously,» Sam says, turning back to his brother, «Did something happen? Are you guys really okay?»

«It’s fine, Sam,» Dean insists, irritation in his voice. But there is something else there too, something Sam thinks he might classify as embarrassment. 

«If you say so,» Sam says, letting it rest for now, but Dean knows he has picked up on something, and it won’t be the last he hears of it.

——

The next morning, true to his word, Cas materializes by the door at 9:30, just as Dean and Sam are sitting at the table, finishing up their microwaved breakfasts.

«Good morning,» he says, and sits at the edge of the bed closest to the table. «So, where are we headed?»

The brothers exchange a look. «Um,» Dean says, «possible witch-y business about 5 hours from here, thought we might check it out, see if there could be a demonic connection like with that bitch who conned Kevin’s mom.»

Cas nods seriously, «I see, yes, worth looking into.»

«Yeah,» Sam says, «We’ll just finish up our food and then we’re heading out.»

When they’ve been on the road for about two and a half hours, they drive past a burger joint, and Dean announces he’d like a food break. Sam agrees, so Dean steers the Impala into the diner’s parking lot and they all get out to have lunch.

They find a booth in a corner, and after deciding on what to have, Sam volunteers to go up and place the order. Even though he doesn’t need to eat, Cas orders a cheeseburger menu, saying he enjoys the taste and that he wants to keep the brothers company. Once Sam is out of earshot, the angel turns to Dean.

«Dean, shouldn’t we talk?» Cas addresses him in a hushed tone. «It seemed like there was something you wanted to say to me last night that you didn’t want Sam to hear.»

Dean throws a nervous glance over his shoulder at Sam, standing by the cashier. «It’s okay, Cas.» He fiddles with the hem of his jacket. «It was nothing important.»

Cas gives him a head-tilt, looking confused. «It seemed important yesterday.»

«Well, it was kind of a, uh, in the moment kind of thing. It was just— I mean, it was nothing, really.»

Cas gives him a skeptical look. «I don’t believe you, but I see that this is something you don’t want to talk about in public, or in front of Sam, so I won’t pressure you.»

Dean seems to relax, and in the next moment, Sam arrives back at their table, three Cokes in his hands, sitting down.

——

«You know you can always be honest with me, right?»

A couple hours later, they’ve stopped at a gas station, waiting for a cup of coffee each, when Sam addresses Dean. Dean sighs.

«Yes, Sam. Is there something you think I’m not being honest about here?»

Sam shrugs. «You’ve just seemed kind of on edge since last night.» He’s quiet for a moment before continuing, seeming to choose his words. «And you’ve been like, having these hushed conversations with Cas.» Dean shoots him a glare. Sam holds up his hands placatingly. «I just wanna make sure everything’s fine between you two. Cause, you know, we’re a team.»

Dean doesn’t like the tone of his voice. Like he’s sussed something out that Dean isn’t privy to. «Like I’ve told you, everything’s fine.»

The clerk hands them their coffees with a smile. Dean takes his and leaves in a huff. Sam smiles apologetically and says, «Thank you,» before following Dean.

They get to the car, and before climbing in, Sam says, «I’m just telling you, I would never like, judge you or anything.»

Dean looks at him with confused annoyance. «Wha—» he starts, before Sam opens the door and climbs into his shotgun seat. Dean swears he catches a smirk on the bastard’s face.

Dean walks around the car and gets in the drivers seat, slamming the door and giving Sam a glare.

«Something wrong?» Cas pipes up from the back.

«No Cas, everything is fine and dandy,» Dean insists. «Let’s get the hell back on the road.»

Cas looks worriedly between the brothers, but says nothing, and soon they’re on the road again.

——

That night, having cornered and interrogated an entire coven to very little avail, they’re at another motel just outside of town. Dean is pissed, Cas is watching some game show on TV, and Sam is sat at the table, beer in hand and a vaguely uncomfortable expression on his face. Dean is sitting on one bed, legs crossed, laptop in front of him, refusing any and all eye-contact.

Finally, Sam clears his throat and says, «Uh, listen, I think I’m gonna go for a walk. Clear my head a bit, maybe grab some stuff from the convenience store. You guys want anything?»

«No thanks,» Dean says, not looking up from his screen.

Cas mulls it over for a second, then says, «No, thank you, Sam.»

«Right, see you in a bit,» Sam says, grabbing his jacket and heading out.

It’s quiet for a moment, except for the hum of Cas’ game show, set on low volume. Then, exhaling a sharp huff, Dean closes his laptop, swings off the bed, and opens the door to the small patio at the back of their room. He steps out, sitting down on the two seater just outside. Cas looks after him, and notices that he hasn’t closed the door all the way. Unsure if it’s an invitation to follow him or not, Cas decides to take the chance. He turns off the TV and gets up.

Gingerly, Cas opens the door, and it creaks a little. Dean glances up at him briefly, then averts his eyes back down to his hands where he’s clasped them in his lap. He’s fidgeting. 

«May I sit?» Cas asks.

Dean nods once, not looking up, and the angel sits down next to him. He senses that there is some kind of spell over this moment, and doesn’t want to break it immediately, so he just sits for a bit, enjoying the cool air and the black, star-speckled night sky. 

Then he takes a deep breath. «Dean, I... I can’t help but feel that you’re upset because of me. Again.»

Dean lets out a huff. He takes a moment to respond, and Cas decides that pressing is a bad idea, so he lets the silence hang. 

«I’m not really upset at you, Cas. I mean, am I still feeling like shit about Purgatory? Yes. And do I wish you’d talked to me instead of pushing me away at the last second? Also yes. But…» he breathes out. «I’m more annoyed at myself, if I’m honest.»

«Is it because of last night?» Cas asks when Dean doesn’t elaborate. 

«Yes, and no, I suppose,» Dean says, cryptically. He takes a deep breath and lets it out in a huff.

Cas isn’t sure what he should do, how he should respond to Dean’s current emotional state. But, since it had seemed to set him at ease the night before, Cas asks, «Would it help if I held your hand again?»

Dean looks up sharply then. He searches Cas’ face, then says, almost to himself, «Why did you hold my hand last night?»

Cas doesn’t have a good answer, so he shrugs and says, «It felt right. At the time. And it kind of feels right now too.»

Dean blinks, his face unreadable. «Okay,» he says.

So Cas reaches out and takes Dean’s right hand, just like he did last night. And just like last night, Dean turns his hand palm up, interlacing their fingers. He is looking down at their joined hands, and his thumb strokes Cas’ knuckles gently. Glancing back up at Cas, Dean has that searching look on his face again. He looks like he’s thinking, like he’s considering something.

«I’ve told you before,» Dean starts, pauses, looks out at the trees. «I’ve told you before that you’re like a brother to me. And you still are, I suppose. In a way. But my feelings go deeper than that. Or, they’re different. They’re not like with Sam.» Dean glances at him again, eyes worried. «Do you know what I’m saying?»

Cas considers his words for a moment, then responds, «I think so.»

«You think so?» Dean repeats. He sounds concerned.

«Yes. Because I think my feelings are like that too. I care about you as deeply as if you were my brother. But I feel differently when I’m around you. For example, I never feel like taking my Heavenly brothers’ or sisters’ hands like this,» Cas says, gesturing with the hand that’s holding Dean’s. «Of course, my relationship with my siblings is more complicated than your relationship with Sam,» he adds.

Dean just looks at him, something like hope in his eyes. «Okay,» he says, nodding. «I mean, I never feel like holding Sam’s hand like this either, so.» He huffs something that might be nervous laughter.

They sit in silence for a moment, not taking their eyes off each other. Cas feels like maybe they’re both calculating something. He can see the gears whirr again in Dean’s head. He notices also that they have turned slightly in towards each other. 

Then Dean is leaning in, and he presses his lips to the corner of Cas’ mouth, very softly, very briefly. When he pulls away, he looks terrified. Cas doesn’t know why. It was very nice, even if it was brief. He thinks he should show Dean that he doesn’t need to be scared, so he leans in and mirrors the hunter’s gesture.

Dean looks surprised when Cas pulls away. «It’s okay, Dean,» the angel assures him.

«Is it just okay, or is this something you want, too?» Dean asks, clearly needing to feel like he’s not overstepping some boundary.

«I wouldn’t have returned the gesture if I didn’t want to,» Cas says seriously.

Dean’s free hand comes up to Cas’ face then, and he’s brushing a thumb over the angel’s cheekbone. He leans in again, lets their noses brush softly, and this time the kiss is firmer, more sure of itself. Cas feels very pleased that he was able to quell Dean’s anxieties. He doesn’t mind one bit doing this kind of thing with Dean. He can even admit to himself that he’s thought about what it would be like, sometimes.

When Dean pulls away this time, he stays close, hand firmly on Cas’ jaw. «Cas,» Dean breathes.

«Yes, Dean.»

«Don’t ever leave me like that again.»

Cas swallows past something hard in his throat. «I won’t,» he says firmly.

Dean nods, seemingly satisfied. «I’m gonna kiss you again now.»

«Please do.»

The corner of Dean’s mouth quirks up in a small smile, and he leans back in.

**Author's Note:**

> There will hopefully be little bit of epilogue, which I’m currently working on. But keeping this as a one-shot for now. 
> 
> Also yes, I am very lazy with titles, lol


End file.
